All posts by Belle Chapin

Drone -Written during a depression

the drone is in my ears I can feel it inside my head and hear it in my ears

it is in my chest and my throat and my stomach and my ears

it is in my eyes and I can see it and it is all I can see

 

it is the color of black but not black

 

it hurts

 

all over and inside and in my throat I can’t speak over it

 

I can’t speak to it

I can’t speak for it

I can’t speak for it

 

it is in my spine

 

it hurts

 

I can’t control it I can’t stop it I can’t make it go away

 

I can’t make it go away

I can’t make it go away

 

I can’t think

I can’t speak

I can’t reason

I can’t feel

I can’t throw up

 

I can’t shake it off though I try to shake I am in rigor mortis

 

 

I can’t breath

 

it pulses with my heart

the sound is a throbbing drone

all the time

 

all the fucking time

 

just make it stop

Changing Labels – Changing Thinking

Sometimes if I’m home from work because my illness has decided to bite me on the behind, sometimes I belittle my need to be home because there is “nothing physically wrong with me” meaning, I don’t have a cold or a flu or leprosy or something.  My problem is mental, that’s why they call it mental illness.

So I’m thinking about that just now.  The phrase “nothing physically wrong with me” makes me feel weak, like I’ve failed at living, like my illness is somehow less legitimate.  But what does mental illness mean? Continue reading Changing Labels – Changing Thinking